Are you way too nice?
Do you find yourself being nice to people that almost definitely do not deserve it? Do you find it difficult to say no and then often find out the hard way that it was a bad choice?
Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions and just had a mini flashback of all the times you were taken advantage of then read ahead!! If you answered no then I bid you farewell! I joke! Please do read on, you may learn how to thaw out your heart a little, or perhaps you have already mastered the art of niceness and can nod knowingly as you read each tip.😊
What is wrong with being nice?
That is a very good question. The answer is nothing. I am definitely not suggesting that everyone should go around being horrible to each other for the sake of it, but with anything in life, there has to be balance.
A one-sided relationship, be it romantic, plutonic, or work-based can leave you feeling quite unappreciated and sometimes resentful.
Nice is a general courtesy that everyone deserves to give and receive. However, being Too Nice often depends on a couple of variables determined by yourself and the people around you. If you go out of your way for everyone and that always works out for you then great! But more often than not a very one-sided relationship, be it romantic, plutonic, or work-based can leave you feeling quite unappreciated and sometimes resentful.
How nice is too nice?
Ultimately being too nice usually means you are left worse off in the end, typically more than once. Here are three points that often signify you are tipping the balance of “niceness”;
Leaving yourself short of time, money, or sustenance at the expense of someone else.
Putting yourself in situations where your good nature is taken advantage of.
Compromising your boundaries out of fear of disapproval or conflict.
Do any of these points resonate with you? If so, perhaps you might just be too nice. Have a look at these 10 Ways To Stop Being Too Nice For Your Own Good to help you regain that balance.
10 Ways To Stop Being Too Nice For Your Own Good
1. No Regrets
Do nothing you think you will regret later. If you even have a slight feeling that something is not a good idea and there’s a possibility that you will regret it later, just don’t do it. Only you will be there to pick up the pieces when it doesn’t work out and I’m sure whoever you have helped will be quick to say “well you didn’t have to do it”.
2. Follow Patterns Not Words
Actions speak much louder than words. If every time you lend that person money, they avoid you like the plague when it's time to return it, or continual empty promises often leave you in tricky situations feeling worse off, then my friend it is time to realise that this is a pattern. It can be tempting to have faith that their words are true but it is important that you use these behavioral patterns to make informed decisions about whether it will be in your best interest to help this person.
3. Take Time To Think About It
You do not have to act on impulse straight away and dive into offering help to people. This is something that I realised I did often. When someone would present a personal dilemma to me (or sometimes just out loud), my immediate response was to offer my help even if no one had asked for it. I would do this even if it put me in a worse off position. It is in a lot of people’s nature to want to help but just take some time to think about the options at hand that can resolve the situation. Don’t go diving in to offer that lift an hour out of your way when the person’s destination is literally on the same route as someone you both know at the same venue.
4. Be In Charge Of Your YES.
Only say yes if you want to do something. That seems like an obvious thing to say. Why would you say yes if you don’t mean it? But many people, myself included, have often been swayed by things such as worrying about seeming disloyal, confrontational, or how the person will possibly cope if you do not do “that thing” for them. The fact is, if you say the dreaded word no, I can assure you they will figure out a way to get things done regardless. This way whenever you say yes, the person knows you are doing so because you actually want to and you can both be guilt and regret-free.
5. Stop Over Explaining
If you do decide to say no, “No I can’t make that time”, “No I can’t lend you that money” “No I can't work on my day off”, please realise that you are not obliged to explain your decision. For me, I realised that it was actually a trauma response that I would volunteer information and reasons why I had made certain decisions. I was so used to my motives or intentions being questioned that I would try and get in there first with my explanation. When I started to hold back on over-explaining I realised that many people are just as content with a simple yes or no and more often than not they really didn’t want or need a drawn-out explanation.
We often want to see the best in people.
6. Gut feeling
Trust your instincts. Is it likely that this person is taking advantage of you? Will the outcome of your “kind deed” cause more trouble than it is worth? This is a hard one because if you are anything like me, we often want to see the best in people. This can occasionally make us overlook our intuition, forcing logic out of the window, leaving yourself worse off with that little voice inside your head saying “I told you so”.
7. Value your time
Remember that your time is just as precious as anyone else’s. We were all born the same way, die the same way, and have the same 24 hours a day in-between. Don’t set your plans & schedules aside simply because you think they are less important and less pressing than somebody else’s.
I was always taught not to give to receive. If I do something for someone it is because I want to and not because I want to get something in return. If you are solely being helpful because you want something back then you are likely to be highly disappointed 9 times out of 10.
On the other hand, it is only natural to expect some kind of reciprocation if you are continually doing nice things for someone and they make no effort in return or are never there when you need them. I’m not saying sit there keeping tally but perhaps firstly ask yourself if you are satisfied doing something that they probably would not do for you. If the answer is yes, go ahead. If not, maybe hold back on the effort you are making to see if there is a change in their behavior and mention it if there is no change.
9. Respect Yourself
If you find that you have followed the advice of tip number 8 and it is still expected of you to continually do things with no reciprocation & appreciation, or perhaps their treatment of you overall lacks basic human respect and decency, it may be time to reevaluate the people you surround yourself with. Sometimes it is not your behavior or mindset that needs to change, but the environment that you are in. This can apply to your workplace, family, friends, or a romantic relationship. As much as you may want to share your good nature, there are some people that quite simply do not deserve it. It is important to love thy neighbor, but sometimes this can be done from a distance showing respect to yourself and surrounding yourself with people that appreciate you and hold you with the same high regard.
What are your personal boundaries? Do You know them?
10. Know Your Personal Boundaries
This final tip is one of the most important. Your personal boundaries are guidelines or limits unique to you that allow other people to understand how you behave and how you expect them to behave towards you. When you have expressed what you will and will not accept and what is compromisable, it is important that it is clear what the consequences of crossing those boundaries will be. If you do not know what you will and won’t accept from other people and what you stand for, how can you expect them to know as well? What are your personal boundaries? Do You actually know them? Use my free template, which you can download and write down your personal boundaries, save, print, and display at home as a clear reminder. It may be tempting sometimes to shift your ideals, morals, and expectations to suit someone else’s in the moment, but ultimately this will only hinder you in the future when your boundaries are not respected or taken seriously.
I hope you have enjoyed reading these tips and that you are able to put them into practice. Remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a good heart and being nice. We need as many good-hearted people in the world as possible. Just be sure not to compromise yourself by being too nice to the wrong people.
Did any of my tips resonate with you? Which one can you relate to the most? Comment, share, and subscribe if you haven't done so already!
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